Four, Unchanging Powder Blue Walls

(A bit of word vomit before bedtime and while procrastinating.)

I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the four, unchanging powder blue walls that have stared back at me since I was 9 years old. In this room, the year is 2001 and my family has just moved from our three-family house to this one-family on the middle of a one-way street. I think it’s a castle. Two floors of livable space, plus an attic AND a basement? This is my palace, my playground, my home, and it’s the best home ever.

Now it’s 2005 and my castle is shrinking. I’m in the 7th grade, 13 years old, and I’m ¬†getting to the age where I know everything. I’m dissatisfied with myself, so I project this dissatisfaction onto the four, unchanging powder blue walls of my room and the structure that encases them. I wish I could take down the stupid pink border or get curtains that matched. I wish we had crown molding and wood floors and granite counter tops, like the beautiful homes on TV. Those are castles. This is not.

It’s 2009 and my four, unchanging powder blue walls are closing in on me. They once held all my secrets and my dreams, with room to grow, still. ¬†Now they’re bursting at the seams and everything I worked so diligently to make fit is spilling out into our shack and then out onto the street. I’ve outgrown this place and in less than a year, I’ll be onto greater things and greener pastures: college. No need to ever look back. I won’t miss it here.

I’m 21 now and it’s the year 2013. I never thought I’d say this, but my four, unchanging powder blue walls are a source of comfort to me. Its flaws are obvious (The still-visible brushstrokes of my uncle who painted these four, unchanging powder blue walls, the peeling pink border around its edges, the hideous allergen-collecting carpet, the holes where my parents hammered nails in my walls so I could hang pictures up), but its strengths are even more so. These four, unchanging powder blue walls symbolize stability in an ever-changing world. The house that surrounds them isn’t the castle it was when I was 9, but it still serves an important purpose (other than, y’know, shelter): To remind me that life is all about perspective.

I may not be able to control every aspect of my life, but how I see myself, my home, my four, unchanging powder blue walls, or anything else is utterly and completely in my own hands.